The Oasis Sanctuary

posted by Sybil on Mar 20

My Adventures in Internet Dating

Sybil Erden – March 16, 2009

After my eleven year relationship ended a few months ago, I decided to find friendship, companionship and perhaps even love, on-line.

Many years ago, before the internet came into common use, I had met two gentlemen through “personal classifieds.”  One man I spent 2 years with. The other I spent almost ten years with, and actually married! Since I had been told that the on-line dating services were today’s personals, I decided to try it out.

In early 2009 I joined not one, but several of the more well-known services:

Eharmony, Match, Matchmaker, Singlesnet and J-Date.

While there are some very nice folks out there, often when the intellect connects, the chemistry isn’t there. Or they are good looking, but the intellect isn’t there. Or the baggage they are carrying is too large a load….

None the less, I have not yet given up.

These are notes on some of my adventures….

My Profile

Well – after two months online, I think it is time to update this profile based on some of my experiences…The thing that I find most appealing is intellect, forthrightness, compassion and shared spiritual values. But, to be honest, I also want to feel the chemistry which comes from a good looking, in-shape man.

Please…if you are separated (since breakfast) not yet divorced (have not applied for the divorce…) do not want to share photographs, are intellectually challenged or have anger-management issues…please let’s save both of our time.

I am an outgoing, hard-working, intelligent and creative, upbeat, content, non-traditional woman. Non-traditional being a key phrase here… I am monogamous, loyal, passionate about life, committed to a significant other and to my work…and wish the same. I have no desire to retire at any point soon, nor am I interested in moving away from SoAz at this time.

In 1997 I founded and have been the executive director of a nationally recognized exotic bird sanctuary (i.e. life care facility.) Obviously I am an “animal person” and I consider myself a humanitarian. I am looking forward to taking time to explore SoAZ and the world with a man who makes my heart dance.

I enjoy traveling, hiking, riding motorcycles, discussing politics and philosophy with others, and simply kicking back, basking in the glow of shared infatuation.. I write daily both for my job and for myself. I went to college in both Calif. and Az. where I studied painting and photography.

I love living in the country, surrounded by hills, the wind, my animals and a breathtaking nighttime sky.

I have and ride my own motorcycles (for 30 years.) .

I believe that friendship is the basis for a loving and committed relationship.

I would like to meet a man 48-65-ish years old, educated, professional, calm, compassionate, happy (content) with his life and looking for that special someone to share it with..

I know you are out there…Drop me a line…

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Can write, can’t talk

The first person I connected with on line was a poet of sorts. Or at least we wrote eclectic and profound poetry-like posts back and forth for over a week. I felt that my heart had been captured.

(The fact that he was very cute didn’t hurt things either.)

We had nick-names for one another.

We shared our dreams.

I anxiously looked forward to opening my browser to find another romantic missive from this mysterious, intelligent and handsome stranger ~

But when I finally suggested that we talk…things changed.

First of all he did not have “long distance” service on his phone and all calls outside our respective towns/neighborhoods down in SoEast AZ are long distance.

So I called him, but we had nothing to say to one another.

He wrote me a plaintive post shortly thereafter…where had I gone???

Too married — 1 and 2

Number One

The next person who I felt I connected with on line turned out to have been separated for a whole 2 weeks after a 35 year marriage. He was still living in the family house with numerous adult children and other family members…and believed he was “over” the marriage.

He had no idea.

When I suggested that it was too soon to meet, that we could continue writing and become friends (only) I never heard back.

Number Two followed soon thereafter.

He not only had not separated, he was still living in the same house as his wife and was still in marriage counseling. When we discussed politics his anger management issues came to light.

He is still on line trolling.

Parking lot romance

Somewhere early on and yet in the midst of this, I connected…I mean really  connected with an extraordinary, intelligent, interesting man.

We talked several times, met twice for coffee and a long walk. And in addition to both feeling for one another…feeling that we knew one another….the physical chemistry was there as well.

The desire was there so strongly, that the two of us, with a combined age of over 110 years, would find ourselves making out in parking lots like teenagers, and enjoying it unabashedly.

But, where I have always wondered whether I truly have the time for a full-time monogamous relationship, in comparison to him, I had nothing but time.

Between trips from coast to coast, and country to country, hoping airplanes to symposiums and writing papers and books….I ended up feeling as though I was just one more thing he “should” be doing in his already hectic and chaotic life. I did not want to be another stress in a life compounded by an ex wife, old lover, and more.

Although I know that the feeling of connection is real between us, I wrote him recently and told him that I would step aside until he had the time, or desire, to try to reconnect.

I have not heard back.

My eyes are up here, bud

Since I am attracted to intelligence more than almost anything else, when I read a profile of a man with multiple degrees, an interesting profession and an avocation in astronomy, I decided after a few e-mail exchanges, to meet for coffee in Benson.

The day before we were to meet, we spoke on the phone and in 15 minutes he gave me the story of his life.

This was to be retold and expanded upon for another half hour at the restaurant.

And the total 45 minutes was boring. He was corporate, been married and was divorced for well over a decade….but was still extraordinarily angry at the ex. His world seemed to begin and end with astronomy and his daughter and grandchild.

The end.

Although he did ask me questions about what I did, he kept stealing glances at his watch while I spoke. And his eyes never met mine. They sidled down and around staring at my breasts.

We got our separate checks and went our separate ways.

When he wrote the next day, I told him to make an appointment and come, with family, for a tour….

Give me the Fantasy not the Facts

I was not sure how to handle calls from people on the east coast or in other countries…so I thought “what the heck” and decided we could write and talk.

So, when I began speaking to a man on the East Coast, and we chatted about him coming out, I thought it could be a fun interaction. A friendship.

But after two or three longer conversations it became apparent that what he really wanted was someone to “talk dirty” to him….although he never quite said it that way. He wanted me to describe how I looked….in detail. He wanted me to send him pictures. He wanted to have intimate details….

I may be slow, but I was creeped out. While he has left sad phone messages for me, I have not called back. I think he finally caught on.

Another gentleman was allegedly out of the country on business….but when he called, the area code turned out to be non-existent….How do I explain this?

I know what out-of-country phone calls look like on caller ID. These calls looked like US calls, but when I did a search to find out where the area code was located, I found that it was an area code “reserved for future use.”

When I went back to look at the man’s profile, it was removed and the listing organization told me there were “problems” with verifying this person. They nervously suggested I should end correspondence with him.

EEEK!!!

Done.

To tattoo or not tattoo

I try not to be “ageist.” While I have dated regularly within a 30 year or so range….10+ years older than me to (most recently) a long term relationship with a man 20 years younger….

This time I have been trying to find someone closer to my age. At this point it seems as though we simply would have more music, history and political memories in common. And I thought we probably would not be as distracted by facial lines, the slightly widening girth, and the aches, pains or other foibles of this amazing aging process.

But guys in their later 60’s are retired and looking for someone to travel in their newly purchased RV or live that retired gated-community-golfing- life-style with -or- they simply don’t understand the phrase “non-traditional.”

None the less, I began correspondence with a man about 10 years my senior. When he found out that I had tattoos (he had them listed as a “turn-off”….I didn’t mention the piercings!) he wanted to know why I didn’t have the removed.

Then he went on a written rant about the people a block away who had a tattoo studio and how they must have burnt it down for the insurance.

Furthermore, he had to expound about how he just didn’t understand or like any of this odd stuff.

I have since changed my criteria to 63 and under.
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This of course does not include the 70-somethings claiming to be 50-ish, or the guys with no photos, or who cannot write a coherent sentence. This also does not include people with profile-names such as “AZBikerTrash”…yes, that one is real. Nor does it include the 20- and 30-somethings looking for a sugar-momma or maybe just a mom.

And yet, living out here in the far reaches of south-eastern Arizona, I continue on this sometimes amusing, often confusing, occasionally frustrating quest.