The Oasis Sanctuary

posted by Sybil on Jun 16

June 16, 2009

Although the vast majority of comments on my Internet Dating blog have been very supportive and positive, there have been a few people who have let it be known that they felt it somehow inappropriate for the head of an organization such as The Oasis to be so personally disclosive.

Let me start by stating the reason for this series:

There are all too many women who, like me, find them alone for anyone of countless reasons, in their middle years. As a society we tend to dismiss women 40+, who, unless already married and are mothers or grandmothers, are often relegated to a secondary, loveless and sexless existence. Society tells us through advertising, movies, television and such that all men want only want a “young hottie”…and that we are too old to be attractive.

Women all too often find ourselves believing the hype and do not attempt reach out to find that component of life which is so important: a caring “other.”

I want women…and men… to know that society is wrong. We are whatever we want to be, throughout our lives. We can be smart, strong, intelligent, and, if we chose, loving, attractive and physical throughout our (hopefully) long lives.

Until the twentieth century most marriages were arranged, for better or worse. Since then, thru friends, clubs, bars and such we meet our own matches and often are physically attracted and become involved before knowing anything about the other person. In my opinion, today’s internet dating, while grossly imperfect, offers the opportunity to write and speak to someone before meeting them, in order to find out whether there is an intellectual or emotional connect.

In this series I have tried to write about and share the humor and the frustrations I have experienced…and to encourage people to, like me, keep moving forward, reaching out, in the hope and belief that there was at very least a loving companion out there.

I want men and women to know that it really is ok to reach out into the ether, to push past our fears of failure, to try to assuage the loneliness we all feel in our solitary lives, to meet people, make friends, make mistakes, and, hopefully, find that one caring person with whom we may connect, be it for now or for-ever.

At the end of 5 months I have met someone through this extraordinary process. Jeff is a lovely man who is caring and supportive and we wish to explore the possibilities of a long term loving and intimate (emotionally and physically) relationship.

Before we ever met we spent 40 or more hours on the phone, talking, sharing our philosophies hopes and dreams on every topic from spirituality, politics, relationships, to work, family and more. By the time we met I must admit to having a “crush” on his mind…and knew that, if nothing else, I wanted to be his friend.

It has rapidly moved forward for both of us from there.

We live 150 miles apart. And yet the connect is strong enough that we are finding ways to work through the disadvantage of distance in order to spend time together and follow the path of this new love.

At our ages (I am 58, he 57) we know there are no guarantees. We know that due to our human frailties we will err. But with this life-time of rich experiences which we are able to share, we discuss our goals of being kind and supportive to one another. We discuss that we will try not to fall into the trap of complacency.

We are still spending 3 or4 hours a night on the phone. We are laughing together. These days the laughter, the sharing, is a soothing balm to the pressures of these times.

I have written about all this…and will continue to document this new relationship, so that others too may also reach out and find someone, find a light in the darkness of our lives.

I have never walked the well-trod path.

I have always believed that it is most important to follow one’s heart and mind in order to light the way for myself and for others.

Had I not felt that self disclosiveness, emotional exposure and vulnerability were an integral part of growth in this life, not only would I have not gone on line and ultimately made new friends and met Jeff…but were I fearful of failure, rejection and ridicule, The Oasis Sanctuary would not exist either.

Whether or not this Blog has been an appropriate addition to The Oasis site, it is honest, real, part and parcel of who and what I am.